...what i'm going so say. so i'm not going to say it. but you already know, so consider it implied.



things you don't know:
my internet is down.
my love is home, although only for another week.
we made love up, left, and sideways.
i'm so, so happy.
i'll be back soon, hopefully.

i love you all.

tagged me. blame him.


001. Real name → google search aestheticirony. you'll find me, lol.
002. Nickname(s) → lexi, aestheticirony on the net.
003. Zodiac sign → leo, but i straddle the line with cancer, and i think it fits me better.
004. Male or female → female
005. Elementary → ronceverte
006. Middle School → eastern greenbrier junior high (it's not a junior high anymore though )
007. High School → greenbrier east. spartans, yay! (except with football. we failed with the football. we had every other sport except for polo though. and it's pretty cool to have a high school with a full golf team. our kinship with the greenbrier resort hotel was the reason for this. ironically, the guy who BOUGHT the hotel is our ladies basketball coach. it's a small town.)
008. Hair color → dark blonde.
009. Long or short → quite long. long enough to get stuck if i go to lean forward in a chair.
010. Loud or Quiet → quiet until i get to know you. i do have a tendency to be outspoken, though, especially with those things i believe in.
011. Sweats or Jeans → jeans. my mother wearing sweatpants all of my life killed me on them.
012. Phone or Camera → phone. BUT if i had a camera, it would be with me all of the time.
013. Health freak → eh. not really, but i have my moments. i drink a lot of teas and things, but i also drink a shitton of coffee.
014. Drink or Smoke? → the latter, although not a whole lot. enough to be a hindrance. i drink on special occasions, and i'm not adverse to the occasional party. but i am SO not a party girl.
015. Do you have a crush on someone? → natalie portman. i'd go gay for her, and my boyfriend knows it (and supports it, lol).
016. Eat or Drink → well, i eat a lot (and my figure shows it), but i constantly have something to drink. and if i don't, i'll drink someone else's.
017. Piercings → two holes in each ear.
018. Tattoos → a red poppy on my ankle and the words ATLANTIC and memento vivre on my hip.

HAVE YOU EVER?
019. Been in an airplane → nope.
020. Been in a relationship → yes.
021. Been in a car accident → yep, several. three of them were my fault, but not all of them.
022. Been in a fist fight → probably.

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing → my ears.
024. First best friend → heather trainor and sequoya moore. oddly enough, i became good friends with sequoya later on. although, i should note, all of my best friends now i've known for at least 5 years. most of them more.
025. First award → no violations. although, in kindergarten i did get to go around to the first grade classes and read to all of them. not an award, but something i'm still proud of.
026. First crush → nick carter or thomas donovan. oh, but i loved nick carter with all of my six year old little heart.
028. First big vacation → myrtle beach, SC. although, after that, every year we'd go to virginia beach. i went this summer mostly out of nostalgia, with two of my best friends. planet pizza was just as good as i remembered.

LASTS:
029. Last person you talked to → jessica t. just a few minutes ago.
030. Last person you IMed → i can't remember. i think it was dani.
031. Last person you watched a movie with → me myself and i
032. Last food you ate → chicken tenders. they made me a little eh to my stomach. not good first thing in the morning.
033. Last movie you watched → i started watching the dark crystal last night, but i didn't finish it.
034. Last song you listened to → of all the gin joints in all the world by fall out boy. i was driving around with jessica.
035. Last thing you bought → gas and cigarettes.
036. Last person you hugged → my mommy <3

FAVES:
037. Food → a lot of stuff. any kind of tomato products.
038. Drinks → well, i drink anything on hand. right now i'm drinking uber strong tea.
039. Clothing → lacy cami with jeans. add my plaid jacket and my pretty silver scarf.
040. Books → a lot of them. most recently, under the dome, by stephen king.
041. Musics → here
042. Flower → poppies, daffodils, marigolds
043. Colors → all of them. no, really.
044. Movies → hmm... i watch a LOT of movies. but i'm also a movie snob.
045. Positions → er... that's not really any of your business.
046. Subjects → i was actually a rare student in that i enjoyed learning (though i hated the schooling itself). i was pretty well interested in almost everything. i'd say computer classes and art. newspaper and english. yadda yadda.

IN 2009 my life I have....

047. [x] kissed in the snow (i have a funny story about this)
048. [X] celebrated Halloween
049. [ ] had your heart broken
050. [ ] went over the minutes on your cell phone
051. [ ] someone questioned your sexual orientation (not to my knowledge, but i DO talk about natalie portman a lot...
052. [ ] came out of the closet
053. [ ] gotten pregnant
054. [ ] had an abortion
055. [X] done something you've regretted
056. [X] broke a promise
057. [X] hid a secret
058. [X] pretended to be happy
059. [x] met someone who changed your life
060. [X] pretended to be sick ...only not to go school... (although towards the end of my school career it was more "hey mom, i'm not going to school today." "okay!")
061. [ ] left the country
062. [X] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
063. [X] betrayed a friend (although many of these instances were blown far more out of proportion then they should have been. like one of my friends being pissed because i went to the movies with our mutual friend who she was mad at at the time. she got me back though, yessiree... stupid bitch.)
064. [x] ran a mile (the horror)
065. [x] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
066. [x] stayed single a whole year

CURRENTLY:
067. Eating → nothing.
068. Drinking → extra strong hot tea.
069. I'm about to do → finish watching the dark crystal and then going to the christmas parade.
070. Listening to → nothing.
071. Plans for today → see 069.
072. Waiting for → jessica and jeromy to text me.

YOUR FUTURE:
073. Want kids? → the the next 5-7 years.
074. Want to get married? → in the next 5-7 years.
075. Careers in mind → not a clue.

OR OR: (me or the opposite sex??)
076. Lips or eyes → lips.
077. Shorter or taller? → i'm pretty tall for a girl, but not too tall that i can't lean up to kiss a boy.
078. Romantic or spontaneous → spontaneous and romantic.
079. Nice stomach or nice arms → i don't have either, but i like arms on a guy.
080. Sensitive or loud → well, i prefer sensitive guys. or i thought i did, until i dated a guy that was a total pussy. i mean, a TOTAL no-backbone-gonna-sit-in-the-corner-and-cry pussy. i like my guys with a nice mixture of both, but i have a boys-will-be-boys mindset, and i'm not offended if they're louder than they are sensitive.
081. Hook-up or relationship → depends on the boy. right now, relationship.
082. Trouble-maker or hesitant → i myself am rather hesitant... until i get pissed. and i mean, really pissed. then, all bets are off. in a guy, i'd like them to fight for me, but only if i ask for it. make sense? no? ok.

HAVE YOU EVER:
083. Lost glasses/contacts → lol, yeah. i have a habit of taking out my contacts and not being able to find my glasses. i'm blind as a blind bat.
084. Ran away from home → nope. considered it on occasion, but no. although, now that i'm older, it does seem like i'm running constantly to keep from being home, but...
086. Killed somebody → no.
087. Broken someone's heart → yes.
088. Been arrested → no, but it was close. i don't like thinking about it...
089. Cried when someone died → yeah.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
090. Yourself → realistically, yes.
091. Miracles → the average, every day kind that involve a statistic, yes.
092. Love at first sight → no, but who am i to say?
093. Heaven → i don't know. ask me when i'm dead.
094. Santa Claus → not since i was a baby.
095. Sex on the first date → not if you're wanting The Real Thing. if not, then fuck away.
096. Kiss on the first date → yeahhh. unless it's a bad date.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → yeah.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? → not in the least. but it's my life, and i can't put it on pause. i'll get there, eventually.
099. Do you believe in God → i talk to god sometimes. that doesn't mean i believe in a god though. maybe some people just don't get that kind of security.
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people → i tag you, bitch.

i got 7 left (cause =jeromyroxout gets first dibs, of course ), so if you want to try it out, ask and ye shall receive. also, if you already have one, add me.

fever-fueled heat rolls off my skin in waves.

coffee is the milk and honey of this place. i stayed up all night pacing back and forth throughout the house, waiting for something to happen, waiting for a compromise between two conflicting ideas in my head. distress tastes like coffee and honey, milk is food for babies. it's disgusting, but it does the trick and 36 hours later, i have finally found my bed, and i'm lying there with every cell buzzing with words i can no longer comprehend and this vague feeling of raison d'etre. my eyes are open wide.

i see everything fully.

these ceiling and dustmotes that float across my eyes. a piece of the world rimmed in eyelashes, mascara that's been rubbed away from my red eyes. a spider hands from the fan by an invisible thread. i am far past caring, at least twelve hours of sleep away from any phobia. except maybe hypnophobia, the fear of sleep. but sleep is so far away that even it doesn't frighten me anymore. that spider, it swings back and forth on it's invisible wire, until it flies off, does a backflip - showing off it's skills, its too-many legs behind its head, and it grows and grows until it encompasses my vision and all i see is black.

i sit up in a panic. i believe i am blind until i accidentally open my eyes. the buzzing in my body stops when i move, but moving causes me skin to erupt with moisture that reminds me that it's cold, so cold. my mouth is dry and i'd like to reach for my glass of water, but my arms forget how to move. i lie back down, and keep my eyes open until they burn and stream. i imagine black lines across my face, i imagine my nose bleeding, i imagine flicking my tongue across my lip to see what i taste like. i imagine i taste salty like the ocean in my mouth. a red ocean, and my mind can only think that if it is red, then it must be hot. the atlantic, it boils, and all the fish rise to the top. cooked. breaded. with lemon.

the salt. my face is wet, but i'm not sure if that's from blood or tears. i've forgotten which one i made up. i haven't slept for weeks, for months, for years. line my bones up on the front yard so i can be dried and wrapped in linen. i'll still be breathing shallow breaths underneath that white veil that screams VUH VUH VIRGIN.

and then my wrists are moving across a keyboard and my fingers are dancing without knowing what they're doing it all for. but i know. this inspiration, the sweat and the blood. and in the morning one of it will make sense, but for now the typing is hurried and loving and i think of my lover.

my eyes, my eyes open so wide.

all the better to see you with my dear. and with every heartbeat, the caffeine washes over my brain in waves, like atlantic waves and salt water. my lover breathes salt and i breathe him. which one is more tragic? can you tell me where this is going? the morning sun lies across my body, and it's really just you, but that's even better.

my tongue is tied across this page and yours just flicks across my wrist.

give me some films to watch. good ones, obviously. i'm not big on sports films, but if it's good, i'll watch it.